holiday feast

general food bank dec. 19

2lb.beans

2lb.white rice

1 can corn

1 can tomato sauce

1 can apple sauce

1 can of pringles


senior food bank dec 21

4 lb. pinto beans

2lb. white rice

i loaf breab

1 can corn

1 can apple sauce

4 onions

4 pears (yeah!)

1 cabbage

dec. is the cruelest month for regular food bank users the majority of food goes to the showcase distributions, the ones you see on tv and for which you usually need an invitation or the ability to stand in line for hours.

i have know idea what qualifies one to be invited clearly being a senior on disability is not enough.

oh yea, and 2 cans of mystery meat.

winter soltice

walking into the dark

dancing in the dark

trancing in the dark

hoping i'll be in the light when morning comes

in memory

Aidan Paul WilliamsCraig

Sept.23 2005 Dec. 12 2006


now i lay you down to sleep

and you die before you wake

Cerridwen your soul did take

into the cauldron of rebirth

we will never know

WHY???????????



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE HAG PRAYER

Goddess of death,
You are a mystery
And I do not understand you.
You give great gifts
And snatch them away.
You are cruel joker
With a warped sense of humor
And I hate you.
You give life to those
Who don't deserve it and take it from those
Who do.
You may no sense, Goddess;
You are not logical,
Or if you are, it's a logic we cannot follow.
You are not fair.

Hag, hag,
Ugly old hag,
You clam that if we embrace you
You will turn beautiful,
But getting close to you
Is like embracing sharp knives --
And I don't believe you,
I don't believe you.

Something has happened here
That is wrong, wrong, wrong,
And there is no way
To pretty it up
And make it be okay.

Mother of lies
Mother of false promises
Mother of tremors and pain
and the loss of vision as we age
Mother of confusion and memory loss
Mother of stink and decay
Mother of vermin
Mother of viruses
Mother of parasites that eat
the living bodies of their hosts

You are the Goddess of the bloody face
Who eats her own child
In the night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHEN THE HEART

When the heart
is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open

Let the wind
from the good old sea blow in
to bathe the wound with salt
and let it sting

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
a simple song like a tiny bell
and let it ring

--Michael Leunig

unthanksgiving

i'm sitting here looking out my window at alcatraz..........


on monday morning i started writing what i thought would be a long piece about the native american liberation of alcatraz in the early 70's.

than a friend called and asked if i could take him to the hospital,where it transpired he had a ruptured appendix, so my energy has willingly gone to being with him and not to writing.

but i didn't want the day to go entirely unmarked.

hopefully next year i will write about alcatraz.

preparing for samhain

samhain in celtic culture is the beginning of winter and the new year and the new year begins with death.the plants are dying the leaves are falling,things go underground into the dark to await the suns slow return after winter solitce


thursday i stated buying alter food,something i usually do in the beginning of the month buying things like dried beans corn meal oatmeal black eyed peas. food that my relatives,friends and the people whose land we live on liked.


but it was hard to get started this year.i have 'lost' more than a few friends and altho some were relatively young they were all adults.

but this year there is aidan. i have had an alter for him since dec.13

but it has been for him alone filed with his favorite toys and juice and cookies

now comes the time when he must share it with my other beloved dead thou if truth be told none was nearly so beloved

over the year his alter has morphed and changed and now will under go a major change where it will not stand alone

or be so large after samhain every one else will go away till next year and aidan's space will be smaller and less central and even saying that makes me cry but i must let him go, let our ties stretch as thin as he needs them to be just as it would be if he were alive and growing more independent . he has his own life to live wherever that is.

and i must find a way to move (on?)

as usual my samhain alter will slowly morph into my winter soltice alter

in between now and then lies dec 12, how will i get from here to the returning light?

i realize how much i haven't said. maybe i'll say more later maybe not.

autumnal equinox Sept.23 2007

a day for thanksgiving, of celebrating the harvest but,

today there are no celebrations. i can harvest only grief.

i can not remember what to be thankful for.

all equinoxes are not equal

for 9 months now i have avoided writing about grief.

today i find it unavoidable

a year ago today we were all in the park celebrating Aidan's 1st birthday.

today there are no celebrations.

today like every day i wake up and look at your picture on the wall and i miss you

today i find i still can not write about grief,but just saying the word is a start.

all equinoxes are not equal

today i stand on the threshold and welcome Lugh the sun king as he becomes the lord of shadows,

maybe in this cycle of darkness i will process this grief

maybe at spring equinox i will ,like Kore find my way out of the labyrinth. maybe.

maybe on the next cycle of the wheel i return. maybe.

all equinoxes are not equal

empty hand

i have so much knowledge so much information so many ideas, that they are coming out my ears.

but the words to express them are jumbled in my mouth like tangled barbed wire. and childhood traumas continue to cause them to come out at all sharp and jagged and bitingly painful and leave me sounding/feeling inarticulate, unintelligible and unintelligent.

what is the use of knowledge if if it is locked in a cage and despite years of looking i can't find the key

but i can't stop trying i can only stand here mute terrified and empty handed.

please except my open empty hand